Silence :)

Silence, unmoved and rising,
Silence, unmoved and sheltering,
Silence, unmoved and permanent,
Silence, unmoved and brilliant,
Silence, broad and immense like the Ganga,
Silence, unmoved and increasing,
Silence, white and shining like the Moon,
Silence, the Essence of Siva.

To turning around your life!

We are humans and as humans we are bound to make mistakes, regret decisions and go through humiliating experiences. We cannot escape these situations how much ever we try and if we did successfully manage to avoid these situations, then we haven't lived life at all.

I have gone through an excruciatingly painful event in the recent past. It was painful and insulting and at the same time has given me an insight into my weaknesses which I was not aware existed in me. I was so lost and confused that I lost sight of who I was and what I was doing. I was so under confident and insecure and started questioning everything and everybody. It was painful not only to me but to the loved ones whom I was punishing for no fault of theirs.

It was my mistake, my choices and my life. I was subconsciously always aware of what the outcome would be. I was dreading it all through but when it actually hit me, it was like a lightening struck me with an amazing speed. My whole world started crashing. I started questioning my own existence. First few days, I was in constant denial. My whole energies were either invested in sleeping or in crying or reliving those painful memories. But after a week, my sanity slowly found place with me. It is okay to feel ashamed. It is alright to feel upset. After all, that is what makes us humans. This is what differentiates us from inanimate objects.

I was the one who made these choices full well knowing the consequences. So, if I say that I do not deserve it, then I am not only an ignoramus but also a naive girl who was only fooling herself. I chose to put emotions over reason. I have given the other person or events a power to control me. That was my undoing. I have placed them above my own existence.But, now it is time to change it all.I have the power. And I have to do it consciously. If I want to turn around my life, it should genuinely come from within the depths of my heart and not like a wavering emotional turnaround.

I should stay true to the course and religiously follow all the dictates I give to myself . Good things would not happen if I happen to cheat anytime in the process. This is a slow and intricate process and I should not succumb to any pressures or wants anytime in between. Whenever emotions bother you, think of the consequences they envisage immediately. And to counteract this very ill, I am going to keep a track of my progress and celebrate and laud myself when I do all that is expected of me.

So here's to new beginnings and new tomorrows coz' there is always light at the end of a dark tunnel! 

Obsessing about tomorrow when you have today!

I am a terrible panicker. I do not know if English dictionary carries this word but if it did, I would utterly justify it to the core. I have this creepy habit of constantly worrying. I worry about all things small and big. My dear friends always find comfort in knowing that I do their share of worrying while they calmly relax.

Well, as amusing as it sounds for others, it is a constant headache for me as I am losing out on valuable relationships to the point of driving them  away somewhere far and literally untraceable by me. After one such recent event, I just stepped back a little and realized why I am doing what I am doing. All these constant battles with worries stem from my lack of sense of purpose and my wide range of scary insecurities. Whoo! Insecurities is the term I was trying to avoid all through my life and I'm rather spellbound as to how silently they've creeped into my life. I was so hell bent on saving relationships, that I did not realize that I was suffocating the people I love the most. I was not giving them their breathing space. People who once were madly in love with me are now making excuses to avoid me. Maybe that is the last strong slap I needed right in my face to wake up to reality.

It took me a day's introspection and constant meditation to realize that I worry too much about things that are yet to happen. I realize now that I cannot force the outcome of any event. If it is meant to be, it will be. No matter what. So, why ruin the peace of today worrying about the uncertainties of tomorrow. So, I am going to have a strong cup of chai, relax and let tomorrow unveil its surprises for me at its own sweet pace while I enjoy the best of what today has in store for me. In the meantime, if I go berserk again, I leave it to my determined friends to instill some sense into my thick skulled head by slapping the living crap out of me :)