Change!

I know its been a long time since my last post....I was just preoccupied with so many things at hand and my mind was bubbling with vapid energies..

I was a confused soul all my life. I was confused when it came to deciding my subjects in college, I was confused when it came to choosing my scooty, I was confused when it came to settling down in India or in abroad...gosh, why can't things be uncomplicated? why can't things be as easy as choosing between black and white? One thing I never seem to have understood all my life  is the concept of grey areas. I have tried to demystify the many contradictions and complexities of this so called concept but I never seem to have found my way out of the Maze. Worse so, I get entangled all the time.

I was a brilliant kid. People from various walks of life instilled their confidence in my sure-shot success. Fast forward, 10 years later, I am still entangled in that Maze :(

Since I cannot blame anyone for whatever has happened in my life, I can only blame myself. I am not infallible and I have many weaknesses since I am an ordinary human. My worst weakness is to live in the past and the ability to not let go of my horrific past. I tried, believe me when I say it, since I really have tried to forget and move on. But moving on seems so difficult. I have tried to gain a psychological perspective on this present little mystery of my mind and I have come to realize that I am scared to move on. I am so used to people sympathizing with me, that I have lost that fire in me to progress.

After couple of weeks of meditation, I am addressing my demons. But, one step at a time. Hey, that counts as progress as well. Doesn't it? I have made a list of my personal and professional goals for a period of 90 days and I am already onto goal one and it feels good to accomplish something however, small it maybe. It boosts one's confidence. Trust me on that. I can personally vouch for it.

So, if you are stuck in a rut like me and want to make a positive change in your life, then I'd suggest now is the time. Take couple of day's time off of your schedule. Keep a pen and paper handy, meditate on your life, note down all your dreams and aspirations. Make a to-do list and start working towards your goals. It is as simple as that. Also, do not forget to evaluate your progress every week. It helps you to stay focused.  Hope, this year bridges the gap between expectations and reality and here's wishing you your first step towards success :)

spoorthi

Nee navvu chusi nenu kavinayyanu
Nee maata vini nenu mauninayyanu
Nee nadatha chusi nenu rushinayyanu..

Neetho sahavasam chesi manashinayyanu!

Silence :)

Silence, unmoved and rising,
Silence, unmoved and sheltering,
Silence, unmoved and permanent,
Silence, unmoved and brilliant,
Silence, broad and immense like the Ganga,
Silence, unmoved and increasing,
Silence, white and shining like the Moon,
Silence, the Essence of Siva.

To turning around your life!

We are humans and as humans we are bound to make mistakes, regret decisions and go through humiliating experiences. We cannot escape these situations how much ever we try and if we did successfully manage to avoid these situations, then we haven't lived life at all.

I have gone through an excruciatingly painful event in the recent past. It was painful and insulting and at the same time has given me an insight into my weaknesses which I was not aware existed in me. I was so lost and confused that I lost sight of who I was and what I was doing. I was so under confident and insecure and started questioning everything and everybody. It was painful not only to me but to the loved ones whom I was punishing for no fault of theirs.

It was my mistake, my choices and my life. I was subconsciously always aware of what the outcome would be. I was dreading it all through but when it actually hit me, it was like a lightening struck me with an amazing speed. My whole world started crashing. I started questioning my own existence. First few days, I was in constant denial. My whole energies were either invested in sleeping or in crying or reliving those painful memories. But after a week, my sanity slowly found place with me. It is okay to feel ashamed. It is alright to feel upset. After all, that is what makes us humans. This is what differentiates us from inanimate objects.

I was the one who made these choices full well knowing the consequences. So, if I say that I do not deserve it, then I am not only an ignoramus but also a naive girl who was only fooling herself. I chose to put emotions over reason. I have given the other person or events a power to control me. That was my undoing. I have placed them above my own existence.But, now it is time to change it all.I have the power. And I have to do it consciously. If I want to turn around my life, it should genuinely come from within the depths of my heart and not like a wavering emotional turnaround.

I should stay true to the course and religiously follow all the dictates I give to myself . Good things would not happen if I happen to cheat anytime in the process. This is a slow and intricate process and I should not succumb to any pressures or wants anytime in between. Whenever emotions bother you, think of the consequences they envisage immediately. And to counteract this very ill, I am going to keep a track of my progress and celebrate and laud myself when I do all that is expected of me.

So here's to new beginnings and new tomorrows coz' there is always light at the end of a dark tunnel! 

Obsessing about tomorrow when you have today!

I am a terrible panicker. I do not know if English dictionary carries this word but if it did, I would utterly justify it to the core. I have this creepy habit of constantly worrying. I worry about all things small and big. My dear friends always find comfort in knowing that I do their share of worrying while they calmly relax.

Well, as amusing as it sounds for others, it is a constant headache for me as I am losing out on valuable relationships to the point of driving them  away somewhere far and literally untraceable by me. After one such recent event, I just stepped back a little and realized why I am doing what I am doing. All these constant battles with worries stem from my lack of sense of purpose and my wide range of scary insecurities. Whoo! Insecurities is the term I was trying to avoid all through my life and I'm rather spellbound as to how silently they've creeped into my life. I was so hell bent on saving relationships, that I did not realize that I was suffocating the people I love the most. I was not giving them their breathing space. People who once were madly in love with me are now making excuses to avoid me. Maybe that is the last strong slap I needed right in my face to wake up to reality.

It took me a day's introspection and constant meditation to realize that I worry too much about things that are yet to happen. I realize now that I cannot force the outcome of any event. If it is meant to be, it will be. No matter what. So, why ruin the peace of today worrying about the uncertainties of tomorrow. So, I am going to have a strong cup of chai, relax and let tomorrow unveil its surprises for me at its own sweet pace while I enjoy the best of what today has in store for me. In the meantime, if I go berserk again, I leave it to my determined friends to instill some sense into my thick skulled head by slapping the living crap out of me :)

To the new you!

Do you sometimes feel like screaming out loud and saying enough is enough? If you are in a constant state of guilt and self denial, and are unable to vocalize your frustration, then perhaps, it is a good time to reassess your priorities and learning to put a stop to all things that cause you so much misery.

There have been many successful books published and many internet tidbits on how to reshape your life and to turn around your life. But from my personal experience, no number of books can really change your sad life into a happy one overnight until and unless you really want it to happen and you are willing to work at it. Rome was not built in a day, you see. So the change should begin with YOU. Yes, you! As simple as it sounds, it really is very difficult to let go of your old habits and all the people and things that you are associated with. Our mind is conditioned that way.

So let the progress be a slow and a gradual one. Pull out a fresh sheet of paper and list out all the things you want to change in your life. Visualize how your life would be if you incorporated all these changes. Make out monthly and yearly goals. Reassess your progress. Initially, it would be a pain keeping track of your progress and sticking to the specified goals but once you actually get into the habit of doing it, you will start enjoying the transformation!

It is a sheer waste focusing on things we cannot change, so, instead let us change our focus to what we can really change. Instead of criticizing and wasting our precious energies on the negativity of the world, let us change our standpoint and analyse things from a different angle-this time on solutions instead of problems,on happiness instead of teary eyed tragedies,on accepting mistakes and moving on, and not holding onto some soul crushing grudges. After all, this is the only chance you've got at life and you don't want to waste it on something that ain't making you happy!

Letting go...

Why does letting go of certain people or things become so difficult? Why cannot we be practical and assess the pros and cons of a situation and let go of people for heavens' sake?

I am a specimen or an antique piece or whatever you call and I feel no shame or regret or remorse in accepting that fact.

I sometimes feel that its better to love materialistic goods and animals or plants than caring for or loving fellow human beings. At least these goods and pets do not have the uncanny ability of making you feel worse or dejected or terrible still guilty.

Why is wanting people in your life such a bad thing? You meet someone, have the deepest of feelings for them and they reciprocate the same but....yes, there is always a but....either they are taken or you are. Despite knowing that you are perfect for each other...you tend to look for ways to back out. Why do we do that? Is it the fear of shunning that you would experience from the society or the fear within...that you would grow up, once that person walks into your life?

I, at this altar in my life have 2 roads to choose... and I think I have made up my mind this time...and there is no place for regrets or remorse later.