Day 2

Day 1 was not so bad, except for one minor GLITCH. Well, I had shrimp and wild rice pilaf for dinner, and not tomato rice and potato as mentioned. Raed wanted to make it up to me for the fight we had earlier and we went to watch Jungle Book and dinner post that. (More on Jungle Book in other post). Did I mention, the new Garlic Shrimp Combo by Red Lobster is to die for! Anyway, back to day 2.

Day 2:

I started off the day by having a cup of chai, and a few krackjack biscuits to go along with it. (6, to be precise).

For lunch, I had the leftover tomato rice and potato fry from yesterday. I was too lazy to cook, today being a Sunday and all, and also, by the time I slept last night, it was around 3 AM. And a girl's got to have her 8 hours of booty-sleep, you see. (You see what I did there, booty-beauty :P).

However, taking inspiration from the garlic shrimp from yesterday, I sauteed some mushroom with garlic in butter, and dare I say, it was heavenly. I am going to try this combo with potato and cauliflower and see if it's any good.

I am planning on avoiding evening chai. I have such weird craving for feta cheese and spinach bread. These food cravings and me, we have a long history together.

For dinner, I might just order in something, since I have a ton load of school work to do.

PS: Shrimp and Fish is considered as vegetarian in some parts of India. Well, I'm just saying!  

Experimentation with Vegetarianism: 30 day challenge.

Day 1:

So before I get into my diet plan, let me begin by sharing my motivation for doing this challenge. Of late, I have been eating a lot of meat. Like, a lot of meat! (By meat, just plain old chicken, and some eggs and fish in between). Also, after assessing my spending habits, I realized that I have been ordering from restaurants a lot. My dear old poor digestive tract, it is bearing the brunt, so is my bank account. (Technically speaking, Hursh's of course). The strongest motivator however has been Pratyusha Benerjee. You might wonder what a TV actress from India has got anything to do with my crazy idea. Well, for starters, she committed suicide a week ago, and YouTube was swamped by the gory images of her funeral procession. The lifeless body of a girl, coupled with my insomnia these days made me ponder about God, life, death, and more metaphysical aspects. Needless to say, my hyperactive brain took me back to the days when I was in school, particularly to that one day in 7th grade, where my linguistic teacher explained the difference between a living being vs lifeless corpse. So, to make things simplistic, let's just say, my brain came up with:

Chicken's lifeless body = corpse
Pratyusha's lifeless body = corpse
Therefore, Chicken's body = Pratyusha's body

Since I am not a cannibal, I do not want to eat chicken anymore!

What I want to get out of this experiment:

Well, I am hoping to see if this vegetarian diet makes any difference to my mood.
Secondly, vegetables are more budget-friendly. I am hoping to save a few bucks in the process.
Thirdly, I want to be NICER to my intestines. Indian masalas have already done enough damage to my sensitive tummy. Let's just see if my health improves as well.

How do I propose to do this:

Step 1: Cut down on junk/ and restaurant food.
Step 2: Cook at home. No stale food or leftovers. Incorporate as many veggies and fruits into the meal as possible.
Step 3: Drink 8-12 glasses of water every day.
Step 4: Entry in Myfitness Pal.


16/4/2016:

Morning:

Had a cup of tea with 1% fat milk, and 2 stevias. Had around 12 parle-g's. Well, I am turning into a cookie monster. (Raed would definitely agree with me there!)

Afternoon:

Made this amazing tomato rice from the scratch. Tried to avoid using strong masalas for reasons aforementioned. I am teaming this up with potato fries. I parboiled the potatoes and used little olive oil to fry 'em up.

Dinner:

I am planning on eating the same stuff for dinner as well.

Snacks:
Tea

Change!

I know its been a long time since my last post....I was just preoccupied with so many things at hand and my mind was bubbling with vapid energies..

I was a confused soul all my life. I was confused when it came to deciding my subjects in college, I was confused when it came to choosing my scooty, I was confused when it came to settling down in India or in abroad...gosh, why can't things be uncomplicated? why can't things be as easy as choosing between black and white? One thing I never seem to have understood all my life  is the concept of grey areas. I have tried to demystify the many contradictions and complexities of this so called concept but I never seem to have found my way out of the Maze. Worse so, I get entangled all the time.

I was a brilliant kid. People from various walks of life instilled their confidence in my sure-shot success. Fast forward, 10 years later, I am still entangled in that Maze :(

Since I cannot blame anyone for whatever has happened in my life, I can only blame myself. I am not infallible and I have many weaknesses since I am an ordinary human. My worst weakness is to live in the past and the ability to not let go of my horrific past. I tried, believe me when I say it, since I really have tried to forget and move on. But moving on seems so difficult. I have tried to gain a psychological perspective on this present little mystery of my mind and I have come to realize that I am scared to move on. I am so used to people sympathizing with me, that I have lost that fire in me to progress.

After couple of weeks of meditation, I am addressing my demons. But, one step at a time. Hey, that counts as progress as well. Doesn't it? I have made a list of my personal and professional goals for a period of 90 days and I am already onto goal one and it feels good to accomplish something however, small it maybe. It boosts one's confidence. Trust me on that. I can personally vouch for it.

So, if you are stuck in a rut like me and want to make a positive change in your life, then I'd suggest now is the time. Take couple of day's time off of your schedule. Keep a pen and paper handy, meditate on your life, note down all your dreams and aspirations. Make a to-do list and start working towards your goals. It is as simple as that. Also, do not forget to evaluate your progress every week. It helps you to stay focused.  Hope, this year bridges the gap between expectations and reality and here's wishing you your first step towards success :)

spoorthi

Nee navvu chusi nenu kavinayyanu
Nee maata vini nenu mauninayyanu
Nee nadatha chusi nenu rushinayyanu..

Neetho sahavasam chesi manashinayyanu!

Silence :)

Silence, unmoved and rising,
Silence, unmoved and sheltering,
Silence, unmoved and permanent,
Silence, unmoved and brilliant,
Silence, broad and immense like the Ganga,
Silence, unmoved and increasing,
Silence, white and shining like the Moon,
Silence, the Essence of Siva.

To turning around your life!

We are humans and as humans we are bound to make mistakes, regret decisions and go through humiliating experiences. We cannot escape these situations how much ever we try and if we did successfully manage to avoid these situations, then we haven't lived life at all.

I have gone through an excruciatingly painful event in the recent past. It was painful and insulting and at the same time has given me an insight into my weaknesses which I was not aware existed in me. I was so lost and confused that I lost sight of who I was and what I was doing. I was so under confident and insecure and started questioning everything and everybody. It was painful not only to me but to the loved ones whom I was punishing for no fault of theirs.

It was my mistake, my choices and my life. I was subconsciously always aware of what the outcome would be. I was dreading it all through but when it actually hit me, it was like a lightening struck me with an amazing speed. My whole world started crashing. I started questioning my own existence. First few days, I was in constant denial. My whole energies were either invested in sleeping or in crying or reliving those painful memories. But after a week, my sanity slowly found place with me. It is okay to feel ashamed. It is alright to feel upset. After all, that is what makes us humans. This is what differentiates us from inanimate objects.

I was the one who made these choices full well knowing the consequences. So, if I say that I do not deserve it, then I am not only an ignoramus but also a naive girl who was only fooling herself. I chose to put emotions over reason. I have given the other person or events a power to control me. That was my undoing. I have placed them above my own existence.But, now it is time to change it all.I have the power. And I have to do it consciously. If I want to turn around my life, it should genuinely come from within the depths of my heart and not like a wavering emotional turnaround.

I should stay true to the course and religiously follow all the dictates I give to myself . Good things would not happen if I happen to cheat anytime in the process. This is a slow and intricate process and I should not succumb to any pressures or wants anytime in between. Whenever emotions bother you, think of the consequences they envisage immediately. And to counteract this very ill, I am going to keep a track of my progress and celebrate and laud myself when I do all that is expected of me.

So here's to new beginnings and new tomorrows coz' there is always light at the end of a dark tunnel! 

Obsessing about tomorrow when you have today!

I am a terrible panicker. I do not know if English dictionary carries this word but if it did, I would utterly justify it to the core. I have this creepy habit of constantly worrying. I worry about all things small and big. My dear friends always find comfort in knowing that I do their share of worrying while they calmly relax.

Well, as amusing as it sounds for others, it is a constant headache for me as I am losing out on valuable relationships to the point of driving them  away somewhere far and literally untraceable by me. After one such recent event, I just stepped back a little and realized why I am doing what I am doing. All these constant battles with worries stem from my lack of sense of purpose and my wide range of scary insecurities. Whoo! Insecurities is the term I was trying to avoid all through my life and I'm rather spellbound as to how silently they've creeped into my life. I was so hell bent on saving relationships, that I did not realize that I was suffocating the people I love the most. I was not giving them their breathing space. People who once were madly in love with me are now making excuses to avoid me. Maybe that is the last strong slap I needed right in my face to wake up to reality.

It took me a day's introspection and constant meditation to realize that I worry too much about things that are yet to happen. I realize now that I cannot force the outcome of any event. If it is meant to be, it will be. No matter what. So, why ruin the peace of today worrying about the uncertainties of tomorrow. So, I am going to have a strong cup of chai, relax and let tomorrow unveil its surprises for me at its own sweet pace while I enjoy the best of what today has in store for me. In the meantime, if I go berserk again, I leave it to my determined friends to instill some sense into my thick skulled head by slapping the living crap out of me :)

To the new you!

Do you sometimes feel like screaming out loud and saying enough is enough? If you are in a constant state of guilt and self denial, and are unable to vocalize your frustration, then perhaps, it is a good time to reassess your priorities and learning to put a stop to all things that cause you so much misery.

There have been many successful books published and many internet tidbits on how to reshape your life and to turn around your life. But from my personal experience, no number of books can really change your sad life into a happy one overnight until and unless you really want it to happen and you are willing to work at it. Rome was not built in a day, you see. So the change should begin with YOU. Yes, you! As simple as it sounds, it really is very difficult to let go of your old habits and all the people and things that you are associated with. Our mind is conditioned that way.

So let the progress be a slow and a gradual one. Pull out a fresh sheet of paper and list out all the things you want to change in your life. Visualize how your life would be if you incorporated all these changes. Make out monthly and yearly goals. Reassess your progress. Initially, it would be a pain keeping track of your progress and sticking to the specified goals but once you actually get into the habit of doing it, you will start enjoying the transformation!

It is a sheer waste focusing on things we cannot change, so, instead let us change our focus to what we can really change. Instead of criticizing and wasting our precious energies on the negativity of the world, let us change our standpoint and analyse things from a different angle-this time on solutions instead of problems,on happiness instead of teary eyed tragedies,on accepting mistakes and moving on, and not holding onto some soul crushing grudges. After all, this is the only chance you've got at life and you don't want to waste it on something that ain't making you happy!

Letting go...

Why does letting go of certain people or things become so difficult? Why cannot we be practical and assess the pros and cons of a situation and let go of people for heavens' sake?

I am a specimen or an antique piece or whatever you call and I feel no shame or regret or remorse in accepting that fact.

I sometimes feel that its better to love materialistic goods and animals or plants than caring for or loving fellow human beings. At least these goods and pets do not have the uncanny ability of making you feel worse or dejected or terrible still guilty.

Why is wanting people in your life such a bad thing? You meet someone, have the deepest of feelings for them and they reciprocate the same but....yes, there is always a but....either they are taken or you are. Despite knowing that you are perfect for each other...you tend to look for ways to back out. Why do we do that? Is it the fear of shunning that you would experience from the society or the fear within...that you would grow up, once that person walks into your life?

I, at this altar in my life have 2 roads to choose... and I think I have made up my mind this time...and there is no place for regrets or remorse later.

Revenge

Getting cheated hurts and more so, if its the one we love who cheats us. The pain and agony is indescribable.
People ask us to move on, but moving on is not easy. The memories haunt us day in and out. Its not so much about the person but the pain they have bestowed upon us that hurts us more.

All have asked me to forgive and get on with my life but I cannot seem to. Why should I forgive him for what he has done? He has traumatized and scarred me for life and how can I simply let him go without even making an attempt to make him suffer? I am not the old sati savitri types. I want my justice and he has to pay for his deeds.

There was a time when he made me question my sanity. I was so in love with him that I believed every word he ever uttered and the end point was he made me a sacrificial sheep and for that I cannot ever forgive him.

I never wanted to see someone hurt in all my life but I want him hurt and hurt bad. Him, his sister, his mother....all the people who made me suffer, I wish they fall in the same pit they pushed me into.

Its been bloody 3 years and I still am unable to get out of the trauma. I think I will get my peace of mind only when he is punished for his deeds. Why is that the people who are so close to me seem to ignore this very fact. Why should I be patient? Has 3 years brought any change in his attitude? He is the same old jackass that he always was and there is not going to be any change in the future as well.

I need closure. I need comfort. I need peace. Period. All of it only can be attained only if he pays for what he has done to me. The very thought of his punishment brings a smile onto my face and I can feel the old me returning back to me. Who says revenge is bad? I say its justice, not revenge. And he very well deserves what I have laid out for him and his family. God I hate him with all my heart and soul and I wish he and the people associated with him face the worst kind of pain possible.

Amen!!

What inspires me.

'if' by rudyard kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master,
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

Rudyard Kipling (1865-1936)

Learning to love my life!

Live life your way. All you get is one life. So, make the best of the time you have got on this earth. Life is like a bubble...it might burst any single minute. So pick your socks up and get ready to live every moment of it.

Life throws pebbles at you sometimes when you least expect them but that's how it is! Life is full of surprises. Some good, some bad, some terribly ugly...but try to salvage the situation and make the best of whats left of it.

Stop trying to impress anyone...as rude as it sounds... they're not worth it and its the fact. Live life for your own self. Please your self and love your self and if you are unable to be happy with your self you cant make others happy as well.

Militha, do what you think is right for you. Stop living for others. Start living life and your own way this time!

To be free!

I wish to be free..
Free like a bird...
No bondages
No responsibilities
Free to explore
Free to create a new me
Free to travel
Free to write
No one chaining me down from achieving new heights or experimenting with new things
I want to live
live life my way
Make mistakes
Fall and rise back again
Need no one holding me back
Need no one showing me down
I need life back, my own terms!

Lunch at Alex's Kitchen

I've been to Alex's kitchen to have my lunch along with my brother and a mutual friend. First of all, the standard of the place has dropped a notch down. Its definitely not the same what it was some couple of years ago.

Since I am doing pooja and am not allowed to eat non-vegetarian, I chose a vegetarian meal and opted for Fried wontons for starters and boiled noodles with hot veg for my main course. My brother and friend opted for chicken corn soup and chicken drumsticks and for main they have gone for American chopsuey non-veg.

To begin with, the wontons were over fried and were dripping of oil. Since, we were very hungry we did not ask for a replacement. The soup was not exceptional either. My main was alright and so were the drumsticks and american chopsuey. Over all, a very pathetic meal. Guess, I am not going back there again :(


Food: 1.5/5
Service:3/5
Value for money:1/5
Bill for 3:572 Rs

Verdict: For the money I shelled out, I would definitely get a better meal in other restaurants offering chinese. So, I am not going back to Alex's kitchen again and if I have to, then I am going for very safe choices.

Taking control of my life!

Why does suddenly everybody become an expert on your life? They think thet its their birth right to comment/judge every little turn you take in your life. God, it pisses me to my core of being that people can be this conniving and lame.

Please people take a back step and give me my breathing space. Do realize that I was not put on this earth to please your every whim and fancy and nor do I have any intention of doing so. Take a break and mind your own silly businesses. You'd say you care for my well being and blah blah blah but figure out for yourself if you really do. If you did, you would not fancy showing me down or mocking me for my every little failure... It is like you are my boss or teacher and that I'm being watched for every little thing I do.

It is high time I take a detour from satisfying your egos...I am breaking free and I am my own boss for bad or  good. That is it! From here on forward, I am going to be responsible for my life. You do not have to watch out for me or provide me with a protective cushion laced with eternal guilt and non-stop judging to prevent me from taking the much dreaded fall. I think I can handle it; As a matter of fact, I can,very well.

Do not advice me if I do not ask for it. Is it so very hard to decipher that? I am not using any alien language I presume. Step away from my life. All of you.

I am done!!

Sorry doesn't cut!

Sometimes sorry does not cut it! As simple as that. Why do people make mistakes and think a simple sorry would make everything normal? Wake up people, it is not how stuff works.A mistake of such magnitude and a simple sorry to compensate...my deepest apologies my dear, that is not how you make amends, atleast not with me.

I would understand if you've made a new mistake and tried to make amends for it but come on, you repeat this mistake over and over again and expect me to forgive. I don't think it qualifies for forgiveness. I know it is human to err and divine to forgive but who says I wish to be god. Now you'd say I'm over reacting. You're damn right I am. I am the way I am because you pushed me to my limits and my patience is wearing thin.

Hope this appeal to you makes at least a li'l sense to you about the state of mind I am in.

God bless and peace be with you!

Dear dad

So why is it that our parents try to protect us from all things bad? The obvious reason would be because they love us. Yes, they do... but for you to grow and learn, it is very important to experience everything however bad or good it is. Maybe, once I become a parent, I might also shield my little one from the negative experiences of the world. Alas, it is not how things work... the universe has a different way of communicating  things....if a certain message has to reach you, it will reach you no matter what!

There is a valid reason for me to dwell upon these thoughts. Very recently, my dad who loves me the most, has hidden certain things from getting my attention. I know he was just being a loving dad wanting to protect his baby girl but dad please know that you cannot save me from experiencing certain things, however hard you try. My plea for you is not to quit trying to protect me but please help me educate myself in facing the big bad world.

I love you immensely dad. I know that you were just trying to be there for me in your own sweet way but your way of dealing with my problems and hiding stuff from me is hurting me. Please let me handle the situations my way and if I'm unable to, you know that I will ultimately come back to you...but please do give me a chance. That is all I ask for!

Love
Your daughter

Turning 26 and more!!

So I've turned 26 recently and whoa it feels weird to be 26....there is this impending feeling of doom and I was reminiscing what all these 26 years encompassed for me and honestly,it was a bag of mixed emotions....I've learnt to love, forego love and fall in love again, not necessarily with people this tym :)....Met people who were phenomenal and  also saw people I knew all along in a new light...So yeah, I've lived an eventful 26 yrs!

I was introspecting on how I want my life to be from now on. I know for sure that I am not perfect but at least I can get as near to it as possible. Hence, Ive come up with a list of things-to-do before I turn 27 next aug!

Here it goes:
 1.Exercise

2.Write a diary

3.Take up singing

4.Meditate

5.Pescetarian

6.Be a Workaholic

7.Speak less, listen more

8.Dress smart & simple

9.Make time for a hobby

10.    Plan everything

11.    Spend wisely

12.    Save money

13.    Do things yourself, no dependency

14.    Be genuine in what you do

15.  Always follow your heartfelt values

16.       Do good things for people without expecting something in return for yourself.

17.       Read

18.       Make time for NGO & Charity

19.       Make time to establish contacts

20.       Make time for prayer and god

21.    Be honest in your dealings with yourself and with others

22.    Be modest

23.    Explore places

24.    Practice good manners

25.    Cook and feed J

26.    Forgive and move on

Currently, Ive taken couple of things seriously and have taken up exercising...I seriously need to shed at least 8kilos before I attend my kid sisters wedding this coming Nov...

So Im gonna keep track of my things to do and will see how this coming year will turn out for me...so stay tuned!